Man, remember when Twilight was all the rage? That seems like another, wilder time, doesn’t it? Boy, we were all invested in that saga. And spoof movies, too. Those have always existed, but it seems like they just exploded in the aughts after Scary Movie. Combine those two impulses and you get the 2009 Taintlight movie.
I’m Sorry, Did You Say 2009 Taintlight Movie?
Yes, I said the 2009 Taintlight movie. If you’ve seen the original Twilight movie, then you know what to expect. Lonely young Stella (Meredith Host) is new in town. Then she meets the mysterious and brooding Edgar Mullens (Kurt Indovina). For her, it’s love at first sight. For him…well, there’s a lot more brooding. When he’s not brooding, Edgar likes to play Frisbee with the rest of the Mullens clan. (Apparently, it was too expensive to recreate vampire baseball.)
Eventually, Edgar returns Stella’s affections, but their road to love isn’t easy. It’s unpaved and really out of the way. (I don’t know where I’m going with this metaphor.) Not only is there competition from Jack (AJ Stabone, billed as “Werewolf (Uncredited)”), a Michael Jackson-obsessed werewolf, but the Mullenses aren’t the only vampires out there. There’s another clan, headed by Razor McBleed (Jesse Green), and they want to make Stella, uh, mcbleed. Will Edgar be able to protect Stella? Will she choose him over Jack? And just how many fart jokes can fit into one movie?
Chris Seaver, Making It Low Budget
In case you haven’t heard of Chris Seaver, then all you need to know is that he thrives on a low budget. And that’s literally, because he’s made a number of films with the production company Low Budget Films, including this one. If you gave him a higher budget, even something as low as Paranormal Activity‘s $15K budget,then I’m not sure he’d do anything differently. Because besides thriving on a low budget, he also thrives on puerile material. If you’ve seen any of his movies, like his Filthy McNasty series, then you know what I’m talking about.
This is a guy who started his film career with a movie called Mulva: Zombie Ass Kicker!, after all. And then followed it with a long list of titles I’m sure I can’t repeat on this family website. Some cleaner ones include I Spit Chew on Your Grave and Deathbone, Third Blood Part VII: The Blood of Deathbone. Incidentally, despite the title, that film appears to be the only one in the series.
Should I Get Caught in the Taintlight?: Viewer Opinions
Perhaps not shockingly, a movie rife with fart jokes and other toilet humor that was made only to send up a teen vampire blockbuster is not the most popular movie in existence. However, there were positive surprises. PopMatters, for one, praised the movie, writing, “For those without a Twilight clue, the film will be meaningless. It will play like a bunch of amateurs bumbling around making fun of a piece of pop culture desperation. But if you know the origins and ‘get’ what’s being burlesqued, you’ll truly enjoy the ride.” Others, like Heavy’s Worst of Netflix series, panned the movie. However, writer Chris Sims did say, “…the fact that every interaction between Edwin and Stella ends with him telling her to shut up because she’s stupid and then adding ‘So… talk to you tomorrow?’ actually does sum up the relationship of the original pretty well.”
Audiences were just as split, with many comparing it to the other Twilight parody film Vampires Suck. But does that movie have the vampires playing Frisbee golf? No. No, it does not.
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featured image via Tempe Digital
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Salomé Gonstad is a freelance writer who grew up in the swampy wilds of south Alabama. She now splits her time between the Appalachian wilds (of Alabama) and the considerably more refined streets of New York City. When she's not yelling about pop culture on the internet, she's working on a supernatural thriller about her hometown. Also, we're pretty sure she's a werewolf. Email her at email@example.com.